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Some Girls – Heaven’s Pregnant Teens

Epitaph Records, 2006

Epitaph is nothing if not consistent.  This had to be a punk record and, given its dark color scheme and songs like “Dead in a Web” and “Bone Metal”, it was likely going to be a hard one.  For a cheap price any punk record is worth a listen.  Unfortunately, like most modern punk records, it likely wasn’t going to be rewarding in the long term.   I took a chance.

Oh man, what a mess.  It’s a typical thrash and bash affair with Some Girls with lots of yelling and jolting twists and turns.  It’s interesting that the band consists of guys who have some experience in this type of music (the Locust, Give Up the Ghost, etc).  However, that doesn’t mean they are any better than a hyperactive chimpanzee with pots.  Since the record is so short, here’s an equally hurried overview of this recording that sounds like an audio explosion.

At an epic two minutes, “Beautiful Rune” probably comes across as the most ‘enjoyable’ of all the tracks.  The band spends most of the time playing one riff while the drums numbly crash about in the background.  Vocals and lyrics are a complete afterthought given that it just consists of a guy scratching out gutteral sounds with minimal care towards clarity.  “Hot Piss” is a hot mess, like when a brick hits you in the face.  Not fun.

“Dead in a Web” actually has a pretty good power riff, but then turns out to be mimicked shortly thereafter by “Warm Milk”.  I guess thrash bands only have so much diversity.  “Ex Nuns/Dead Dogs” is nearly two minutes long, with about half of it comprising of a single chord repeated over and over.  That must have been “Ex Nuns”.  The ravaging “Dead Dogs” part must be where I’m supposed to forget that “Ex Nuns” completely blew.

“Totally Pregnant Teens” is just like … ah hell, just like the rest of the record.  “Bone Metal” provides the only moment of peace with a tone that sounds like a flat line (the sound of my interest level to this point?).  Inevitably, the band shows up at the end and throws a TV.  “Marry Mortuary” is a horror show theme, “Religion II” is a PiL cover that does not make me wish to hear the prequel from these guys, and though “Skull’s Old Girlfriends” wins the song title award, the bludgeoning punk song makes me feel sympathy for Skull given that his old girlfriends sound like loud, nagging hags.

Then there’s the nine minute “Deathface”.  C’mon, you think that I want to hear nine minutes of this stuff?  I decided to stick with two and call it a night.

Some Girls can be looked into at their website and MySpace.  Bring the earplugs.

The song that epitomizes what the band may say to any listener is “You’ll Be Happier With Lower Standards”.  Some Girls, you are right.  I should probably come down a few steps from my little hill of taste.  As it goes with music, there is certainly a market for these type of tunes for those interested in sheer volume of noise as well as aficionados of the mosh pit.  Unfortunately for fans, Some Girls called it quits back in 2007 … hmm, maybe “Deathface” was their “Long and Winding Road”.

For me, this whole album just makes me scratch my head.  What makes me laugh is that the liner notes include lyrics.  Good joke, guys.

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